Misfit Tails
by Predtards
Summary: A collection of our gift one shots and one shots that wouldn't fit anywhere else. Enjoy the randomness!
1. Cowboys, Bears and Ninjas, oh my!

Author's Note: Here is our very first gift one shot! This is a present to SenkiroWolf, who won our first contest in the Minivan Escapades! Congrats, SenkiroWolf! Hope you like what we wrote for you.

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: We own Evie, Tvrtko, and the other characters that are clearly ours.

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Cowboys, Bears and Ninjas, oh my!

Evie woke up feeling good. There had been no attacks by Xenos in the night, hadn't been ANY for a few days, there was plenty of food to be scavenged, and it was getting warmer out. Marie had also been relatively pleasant and sane. Things were looking up!

Evie sat up, stretching and cracking her spine, sighing happily in the morning air. Shuffling off her blankets, she went to go start the fire, only to find it already in full blaze. She stood next to it, puzzled. It crackled merrily, but Evie was suddenly getting an ominous feeling.

Checking further, she found breakfast made and half of it eaten. Now panicking, she ran to check Marie's blanket pile. Tossing the coverings about, her worst fears were realized.

Marie was missing.

Wide eyed, Evie began running about camp, getting things in order. She tossed their supplies into Goners, shutting and locking the van, before looking for the two aliens that had decided to follow her and her friend about. Maybe THEY knew where Marie had gone.

Unable to find the one Marie had dubbed Martello, she began looking more vigorously for the one nicknamed Ninja. Finally, she spotted a large, black, humanoid shape in a nearby tree. Looking up, she found Ninja, fast asleep.

Scowling, she leaned down and picked up a small rock. Taking aim, she let it fly, clocking Ninja right in the side of his head.

He started, almost falling off of his branch. He looked down, glaring hard at the defiant woman. Evie began yelling up at him. "HEY! NINJA! Where'd Martello go? You seen Marie at all, either? She's gone missing and that is NEVER a good thing."

Ninja kept glaring, before dropping from the tree, landing with easy grace. Towering over Evie, he crossed his arms. Evie sighed, holding her hands up in a peaceful gesture. "Look, I'm sorry for interrupting your much needed rest. Trust me; I understand more than you know. But, I NEED to find Marie and you're my best bet."

Ninja quirked his head, considering her, before nodding and setting off in a certain direction. Evie only hesitated for a minute before following, hoping that Marie hadn't destroyed anything yet.

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Tvrtko had been having a lovely nap. Dho'mago'te had been on guard, watching over the camp, particularly Dai'za'te. The days were getting warmer, which made him much happier. He'd been enjoying a particularly lovely, if maybe disturbing dream, when he'd been rudely awoken by Faru'qi.

He was puzzled as she shouted at him, dropping from his branch to stand, looking down at her clearly irritated face. She held up her hands, asking him something about Dho'mago'te. He quirked his head, looking about. His partner was, indeed, missing. Looking further, he found Dai'za'te gone as well.

Nodding to himself, he turned and followed the clear scents of his missing comrade and said comrade's pet. The trail was still fairly fresh. They couldn't have been gone long.

Striding through the trees, he made sure to keep looking behind him, ensuring that Faru'qi was not far behind. It would not due to lose her. Dho'mago'te would be annoyed.

They broke through the trees and spotted an _Ooman_ structure. He looked down as Faru'qi began jabbering, then took off towards the building. He rolled his shoulders, an _Ooman_ gesture he'd picked up, before going after her.

He easily caught up, keeping pace with her slow run. They made it to the structure and he looked at it. It was so strangely made. As he spent time staring curiously at the architecture, he caught a glimpse of Faru'qi going into the building.

Sighing, he followed. He had wanted to look at the building further. But, there were voices coming from within. It had to be Dai'za'te or some other _Oomans_. He decided, for the sake of prudence, to cloak himself, in case the voices belonged to _Oomans_ that would not be so receptive to his presence.

As he carefully slid around the corner, he cloaked, hiding himself from view. Gazing about the small room, he noticed no other _Oomans_. There were no heat signatures, aside from a strange box against the wall.

Faru'qi was kneeling in front of it, waving her arms, looking about. He uncloaked and walked forward and she bared her teeth. He stopped, uncertain what this meant. Dho'mago'te had assured him that this gesture, among _Oomans_, was a good thing, but Tvrtko was not convinced.

She gestured at him, then at the strange box. He kept hearing the name that the other had dubbed him, something like Nee'ngha. He shook his head. What could that possibly mean?

Faru'qi kept gesturing at the box and he sighed. There was nothing here. Clearly, Faru'qi thought otherwise. He strode forward and shoved the box away, peering behind it as it crashed to the floor. He looked up again to find that Faru'qi was glaring at him.

He quirked his head. What had he done now? He always seemed to aggravate her somehow. She stood, flailing at him and chattering angrily. He stood back and pointed. "See, Faru'qi? Nothing. Dai'za'te and Dho'mago'te are not here."

She just seemed to angrier and flung some sort of _Ooman_ lighting device, that had previously been on, at him. He dodged and it shattered behind him. She was learning down to get something else when he heard Dho'mago'te's voice.

"YOU'RE CHEATING!"

Distracted, he was barely able to throw up an arm as a plant came flying at him. He deflected it, hissing as some of the spines on it stuck in his flesh. Scowling he brushed most of the spines out of his arm, and then glared at Faru'qi. Before she could grab something else to fling at him, he scooped her up, flinging her over the shoulder not housing his burner.

He strode towards the back of the structure, Faru'qi flailing and screaming at him. As he went out the back door, he came upon a most confusing sight. It was strange enough that even Faru'qi, who had twisted up and about to look to the front, stopped her yowling.

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Evie blinked at the spectacle in front of her. Marie and Martello were standing face to face a few feet from each other, both looking clearly irate. Marie stomped her foot and huffed. "I TOLD you! BEAR MAULS NINJA!"

Martello shook his head, releasing his blades and making a stabbing motion. Marie shook her head vigorously, pig tails bobbing. "No no no! I TOLD you! THAT Ninja is different from ninjas! See?

Marie proceeded to imitate someone throwing a shuriken, then the same stabbing motion. "There! Ninjas throw shuriken! NINJA stabs things!"

Martello began nodding, clearly figuring out what she'd been trying to get across. Marie smiled, brightening immensely. "Okay! Then let's try it again, shall we? Back to back!"

As Marie turned to put her back to Martello's, she finally noticed their audience. She blinked, surprised. "Hi Evie! Hi Ninja! Did you miss us?"

Evie sighed. "I was just worried when I woke up and you weren't there."

"Oh, I was just fine! I'm sorry, I just wanted to give you and Ninja alone time! Quality time together is very important for budding relationships."

Evie scowled, frown deepening. "For the last time, Ninja and I do NOT have a 'budding relationship' as you insist upon calling it. He gives me DEAD THINGS! He's like a cat. He's my pet more than anything else."

Marie just nodded, giving her a knowing wink. "Of course that's what it is!"

"Yeah, well, what about YOU two, huh? Getting some quality time of your own?"

Marie sniffed daintily. "Pish! I was teaching Martello the fine sport of Bear, Ninja, Cowboy!"

Evie just stared. Marie huffed in irritation. "You would not BELIEVE how annoying this language barrier has made things. It's taken me FOREVER to get him to recognize the difference between OUR Ninja and ninjas in general. Fortunately, whoever used to live in that house was a huge Jackie Chan buff!"

Evie opened and shut her mouth several times, before shaking her head. Ninja had shifted her so that she was perched on his arm and she felt vaguely like a parrot. "Ninja, let's leave these whackos to their 'fine sport'. I think I need to go back to bed."

Ninja seemed to understand, as he stopped conversing with Martello, and the exasperated pair walked off, Evie still hitching a ride on Ninja's arm.

Marie shrugged, then waved. "Have a nice… Ahem, nap! We'll be back later. Before tea time! Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"

Marie received no response, so she turned back to Martello. "Well, now that THEY'RE taken care of, you remember what I showed you on the TV? Just copy those three things and we'll be good! So, back to back!"

The two did so, then walked out three paces, before turning. Marie raised her arms above her head, flailing and yelling. "BEAR!"

At the same time, Martello shot off a blast from his laser cannon. It went flying and knocked down a few trees. Marie frowned, hands on her hips. "No no no! I TOLD you! The cowboy doesn't use real weapons! Oh, well. You win this round! Good job!"

Martello seemed to brighten, before scooping Marie up and twirling her about. She protested, flailing. "Hey now! This is NOT Bear, Cowboy, Ballerina!"

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Author's End Note: In case anyone was curious, the game that Marie is attempting to teach Martello is a twist on Rock, Paper, Scissors, dubbed Bear, Ninja, Cowboy.

The game is as follows: The two people stand back to back and walk out three paces. The two yell turn and face each other, making one of three hand motions and yelling what they are.

Bear – Arms above head, hands like claws, flailing about

Ninja – Crouch and look like you're flinging a bunch of shuriken (Frisbee pose!)

Cowboy – Stand straight and make finger guns, looking like you're shooting them back and forth

Now, the winner is chosen like this: Bear mauls Ninja, Ninja shanks Cowboy, Cowboy shoots Bear

Yes, it makes no sense and is ridiculous. But so is Rock, Paper, Scissors! So, get out there and enjoy a rousing game of Bear, Ninja, Cowboy!

Ta ta!


	2. Telling Communications

Author's Note: Here is the gift fic for roxfox62, who was the winner of our first contest in Hero is a Cheap Label! We hope you like it.

Disclaimer: Own nothing, do we.

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Telling Communications

It was Tvrtko's turn, as he and Dho'mago'te alternated rounds, to rove around the camp site, ensuring that no_ Kainde Amedha_ would come near Dho'mago'te's precious observational subjects.

Finally, the land was clear and the small warrior returned to their camp. As he came into the small clearing, he was surprised to find that there was no chaos happening. All was quiet. It was a distinct change of pace and he wasn't sure he liked it.

Peering about, he realized that Dho'mago'te, Dai'za'te, and Faru'qi were sitting near the fire, looking at some strangely bound items. Occasionally they would pull some of it apart and continue perusing it.

Tvrtko sidled over to Dho'mago'te, looking at the strange, flat material that _Oomans_ tended to write on. Dho'mago'te looked up, smiling. "Tvrtko! This is wonderful! I can read _ooman!_ This thing is called a bah'ooks! _Oomans_ read them, to learn, like we do from our screens!"

Tvrtko quirked his head. "Why are you reading a bah'ooks?"

"Because they are informative! Look at this. See these pictures? It represents an elderly _ooman_ female eating many strange things! Clearly _Oomans_ can eat much more than we thought. See? She even eats things much larger than she! I wonder if Dai'za'te and Faru'qi can do that? Perhaps it only applies to the elderly _Oomans?"_

Tvrtko sighed as Dho'mago'te rambled on for a bit before going back to the strange _ooman_ bah'ooks he had been reading. Turning away, Tvrtko sat in his usual spot between Faru'qi and Dho'mago'te. He pulled out his blades and began sharpening them.

All he could hear was the turning of the bah'ooks held by the other three. He glanced up at one point to see Dho'mago'te tap Dai'za'te on her shoulder. The little female looked up, then reached over and turned the bah'ooks for him, revealing new words and pictures. She turned away and settled back to her own bah'ooks and Dho'mago'te trilled happily.

Tvrtko went back to his blades, refusing to admit to himself that he almost, ALMOST, wished he could read _ooman_ as well.

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The next night was Dho'mago'te's turn to go on rounds, and when he returned, he settles down to read the bah'ooks again. Tvrtko frowned, having run out of weapon and armor maintenance occupy himself with. Finally, he gave in. He couldn't ask Dai'za'te, she was too unreliable, and Dho'mago'te was too distracted. But, perhaps Faru'qi would assist him.

He slid towards her, reassuring himself. "It is important to understand your prey. Knowing their language will help you. I am not doing this because Dho'mago'te is."

He reached out and copied what Dho'mago'te did to get Dai'za'te's attention. He carefully prodded Faru'qi's shoulder and she looked up, startled. She spoke at him, looking confused.

"I wish to learn your language, _Ooman_."

She blinked, then quirked her head at him. Sighing, he poked at the bah'ooks in her hand, picking out a specific set of scribbles that looked like one word. "Your language! I wish to learn it. _Ooman_ tongue."

Dho'mago'te looked up, excited. "You DO? I can translate for you! Let me help!"

Dai'za'te looked up, confused as well. Dho'mago'te turned to her, attempting to tell her what Tvrtko wanted. She seemed to understand the jumble of _Ooman_ and Yautja language. She also became excited and began pointing at things, saying words with them.

Tvrtko blinked, confused at her strange noises. Then, he held up the bah'ooks that Faru'qi had held. Holding it out, he repeated what he knew. "Bah'ooks."

Dho'mago'te looked deeply pleased that Tvrtko had listened to them, but he quickly deflated as Faru'qi and Dai'za'te laughed. Faru'qi took back the bah'ooks and held it up. "Book."

Tvrtko quirked his head. "Bah'ooks?"

She shook her head, raising up the one again. "BOO-KAH."

Then, Tvrtko understood. "Bah'ook?"

Faru'qi and Dai'za'te nodded happily. Dai'za'te came over and set her bah'ook on top of Faru'qi's. Holding up both, the two females spoke together. "BOO-KAH-SS"

Tvrtko carefully took the stacked items in his hands, before holding them out again. "Bah'ooks?"

The females nodded happily. Separating the two, he held out just Faru'qi's. "Bah'ook."

The two _Oomans_ clapped their hands together and Tvrtko puffed out his chest. _Ooman_ wasn't so hard. He was certain that there were only a few more words he would need to learn.

At this point, an explosion of sound rocked the clearing. Dai'za'te, Faru'qi and Dho'mago'te all began pointing at different things, trying to speak the _ooman_ words that went along with the objects.

Faru'qi pointed at the fire "FAH-AYE-ER"

Dai'za'te ran up, shoving a piece of wood in his face. "STUH-ICK!"

Dho'mago'te had been about to say something, when a small object hit him in the head. Looking up, the red giant shook a meaty fist at the tree tops. "DA'YAM SKWEERALLS!"

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Evie started at Martello's outburst, then turned to face Marie. The bespectacled woman was smiling proudly at the alien, until she caught Evie's mildly disapproving glare. "What?"

Evie frowned. "Marie. Are you being a bad role model to our guests?"

Marie widened her eyes, her face a mask of innocence. "I have no idea where he learned such a thing! I am shocked and appalled. Bad, Martello! No biscuit for you!"

Evie sighed, shaking her head as Marie gently scolded Martello. Suddenly, another acorn flew from the tree tops, bonking Marie in the head. Marie whipped about, shaking her fist in the direction of the attack. "DAMN SQUIRRELS!"

Evie crossed her arms as Marie turned around. Marie blinked sweetly. "Really, I've no idea where he could have learned such a thing. It's all so confusing! Those stupid squirrels… Only the strongest and meanest of them have survived, making them even MORE vicious…"

Marie continued mumbling to herself about squirrels and Evie just sighed. Marie and her thing with rodents. Looking up, Evie noticed Ninja heading off towards the edge of camp and she shrugged. Ninja often wandered off at night. It's when the Xenos were most active.

Turning back, Evie blinked at the scene going on in front of her. Somehow, Marie had convinced Martello to put her on his shoulders, where the small woman flailed about with a very large stick. Marie held on to a few strands of the alien's hair, keeping herself balanced. Waving the stick in front of her imperiously, Marie shouted with glee. "Forward, my loyal squire! This night, we fight for glory! For honor! For the death of SQUIRRELS!"

Martello rumbled happily and began strolling for the tree where the acorns had been coming from. Marie cackled gleefully. "Yes! Yes! This night, the squirrels will dine in HECK! Onwards! There may be a biscuit for you yet! And maybe a knighthood! Depends on how many squirrels we slaughter!"

The duo began circling the trees, running about after the squirrels. Evie watched on, torn between deep confusion, concern, and hysterical laughter. She settled for a bemused aloofness. Marie reached out, almost managing to smack a squirrel in the head.

Unfortunately, Martello had spotted a second squirrel about the trunk and lunged forward to grab it. Marie shrieked and lost her balance, flailing wildly and clamping onto Martello's hair desperately. She flew back forward, accidentally bonking her head on the tree.

Marie began spitting curses and flailing wildly, the stick cutting a dangerous path. Martello quickly let her down and she clamped a hand over the growing bump. "DAMN YOU, SQUIRRELS! You have won the battle this night, but the war WILL BE MINE! Your days are number, RODENTS!"

Suddenly, she turned on Martello, waving the stick at him. "And YOU! You failed to hold your position! We have lost our struggles this night! You have failed to gain your knighthood!"

Martello slumped, chittering sadly at the enraged human. Marie softened, reaching out and patting his arm. "Perhaps you can still have a biscuit, though. I know you were simply filled with the glory of the fight against the cursed squirrels. Next time, we shall be victorious and I shall knight you!"

Martello puffed out his chest, looking incredibly proud. At this point, Evie had seen enough. Every time she watched those two interact, she was amazed that people from two different species and two different planets could be so similar.

Turning her back on the insane display, she noticed that Ninja, instead of leaving, was simply lurking about the edges of the camp. This was strange, considering his previous behaviors. Evie decided to investigate this strange turn of events.

Striding over, she seemed to take Ninja by surprise. He looked down at her, quirking his head. She copied him, looking at him as well. She really wondered what he was thinking at times like this.

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Tvrtko looked down at Faru'qi. She had copied him and he wished he knew what she was thinking. The crazy one he could deal with or shove off on Dho'mago'te, but this one was different. She would bear close watching.

He noticed the slight shine of his band on the string about her neck. Then he thought about the skulls he had yet to give her. He reached out and plucked it from about her neck and she started, looking confused.

He pulled out the reptilian skulls and began stringing them next to the rodent ones. Finishing, he gazed at his creation proudly, then returned it to Faru'qi. She took it and slipped it over her head, but he noticed that a strange look passed over her tiny, pale face.

He frowned. "Do you not like the trophies?"

She blinked at him, quirking her head again. He chattered in irritation. This language barrier was proving most vexing. "I always thought you _Oomans_ were just making random noises. WHY did you actually have to have a language? You things are most annoying."

She frowned at him, seeming to understand his tone of voice. Sighing, he reached out, pointing at the string of skulls. "You. Like. Yes?"

She looked down at his hand, where it almost touched the skulls, then looked up, realization dawning on her face. She nodded her head up and down, baring her teeth. She touched the skulls, gently, then held out her thumb, pointing up.

This seemed, to him, to be a positive sign. Nodding, he chittered in approval, before turning back towards the fire. Faru'qi followed close behind, just to his left.

He smiled a small smile behind his mask, before they reentered the ring of light.

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Evie blinked, seeing Marie crouched on the ground near the fire, Martello next to her. Marie looked up, smiling. "Evie! Look what I found! BISCUITS! I promised my squire."

Evie was ready to give a scathing remark, but her jaw dropped at the sight of the box in Marie's hand. "WHERE did you find Chicken n a Biskit? I haven't had that in YEARS!"

Marie giggled. "I've been saving it special! I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I forgot. So, Happy 4th of July!"

Evie laughed, then knelt next to Marie, taking control of the cooking. "You nut. It isn't July."

Marie looked deeply wounded. "YOU don't know that!"

Evie just shook her head. "All right. Thank you for the lovely 4th of July gift, dear."

Marie beamed and settled back, doodling in the dirt happily.

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Tvrtko went over to Dho'mago'te and stood next to his friend. Dho'mago'te looked up from watching Dai'za'te playing in the dirt. "Well? How did your alone time go?"

Tvrtko frowned. "It was NOT alone time. Where did you get such an idea? She is merely assisting me in understanding _Ooman_ ways and language. But, it went well."

Dho'mago'te cocked his head. "Oh?"

Tvrtko didn't reply verbally. Instead, he simply held up his thumb.

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Author's End Note: So, Dho'mago'te was reading "The Little Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly". If you haven't read it, you are sorely deprived.

Also, you shall soon understand the vehemence towards squirrels, in the Minivan Escapades. Keep a sharp eye out and remember this!

Finally, and most importantly, Annie is deeply depressed. Haven't been able to get her out of her moping corner. You see, Dho'mago'te and Marie are her babies, and no one has yet requested them in a gift fic. Not that Ally minds, since Evie and Tvrtko are hers. But, please. Think of the moping Annie. She's starting to grow mushrooms. And she HATES them.

Ta ta!


	3. Equals At Last

Author's Note: This is the gift fic for the most recent Minivan contest! Congrats again to QuickStar! We hope you enjoy this fluffy and SANE one shot.

Disclaimer: Not ours. Don't ask.

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Equals at Last

Marie sighed, tightening the wire about the tree branch. Every night, if they stopped, she set traps all about the camp, encasing the two women in a shell of jangling wires. Finishing her current trap, Marie slid down the tree, nodding at her handiwork.

Dusting off her hands, she went to tend the fire and get food ready. Evie wouldn't be back for awhile, as she had taken to doing long patrols around their camps; ensuring that Martello and Ninja didn't come anywhere near the campsite.

Marie crouched by the fire and sighed, trying not to cry. Even though her memories were fuzzy, she remembered enjoying being near Martello. She hated knowing that he and his race were to blame for her losses. For the Earth's losses.

The two alien warriors had been trying every night to make contact with the women again. Evie always shot at them and got them away. Marie just cried. It hurt too much. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt so betrayed.

Sniffling and wiping her nose, Marie stood, turning to get food from the back of the van. As she stood and turned about, she bumped into something tall and sturdy. Blinking, she looked up and saw Martello's mask.

She yelped and jumped away, holding her hands up in front of her. "Go away! Just, go away! I don't want to see you anymore! I hate you! Leave us alone!"

Martello said and did nothing, simply standing before her, arms at his sides. Marie shook her head, tears welling up again. "Don't you get it, you stupid alien? I hate you! It's YOUR fault that my world crumbled! That my family and friends and future are gone! Why can't you just leave me be?"

Martello held up his hands, showing a lack of weapons, and took a slow, tentative step forward. Marie trembled, taking a small step back. "No! No! Don't do that! You, you're a KILLER! You MURDER my SPECIES!"

Martello continued to advance and Marie retreated. Suddenly, Marie fell backwards, landing hard on her rump. She had tripped over one of her own trip wires. Martello stood above her and quirked his head, chittering softly at her.

Marie couldn't take it anymore. She hiccupped, then tucked her face into her knees and sobbed. She stopped her wail of misery mid-hiccup when a large hand settled onto her head.

Looking up, she blinked her bleary eyes at the crouching alien being in front of her. He pulled his hand back from her head, holding it out between them, as if he was uncertain what he should do.

Marie's face contorted into a mix of pain, confusion and rage. She shrieked and lunged forward, tackling Martello, pulling out a knife as she did so.

He held her back a little ways from him as she screamed and raged at him, stabbing into his hands and arms. "I HATE YOU! WHY US? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HUNT US? My family is GONE, and my FRIENDS, and my DOG, and my FUTURE and my LIFE and my FIANCE! You can't even BEGIN to make up for that! I have every right to hate you and I DO!"

Martello gazed down at her from behind his mask as his luminescent blood oozed from the fresh knife wounds. Marie looked up from her vengeful stabbing and her rapid slashing slowed, then stopped.

Marie collapsed into Martello's arms, sobbing once more. "Why? Why are you so nice to me?"

Martello said nothing. Instead, he wrapped his massive arms around Marie's much smaller frame, and gave her a gentle squeeze. Marie blinked and stilled, then renewed her thrashing. "No! Nonono!"

But Martello held her still, firmly and gently. Marie stilled and hiccupped. Looking up, she wiped at her nose and her sore eyes. "Why? Why do you have to be so much like him? Why do you remind me so much of him? You don't even have a beard."

Martello simply kept holding her and Marie sighed. "Damn it. Now I'm all sleepy. I'm trying to be mad at you, you know."

Martello typed at his wrist and a voice came out. "Snuggles?"

Marie pouted. "Hey. I'm still plenty mad at you. No snuggling. I probably shouldn't even be letting you hug me."

Martello slumped, then gave Marie another little squeeze, holding her. She sighed, resting her head against his chest with a thump. "You, sir, are warm. And toasty. Damn it, you are trying to make me fall asleep! You'll snuggle while I'm unconscious! I'm pretty certain that counts as rape in some states."

Martello shrugged and they stood together for awhile longer. Marie slowly calmed down. Eventually, Martello stepped away. Marie looked at him, confused and tired.

He pulled a knife from his belt, the same one that she had returned to him only two weeks ago. He held it out to her, hilt first, the blade pointing directly at his exposed torso.

Marie blinked, looking at the blade, then up at him, and back to the weapon. Slowly, she reached out, wrapping her much smaller hand around the hilt and holding it up.

Martello chattered at her and stepped back, hands up. Then, he turned and left, vanishing through the trees.

Marie gazed at the blade, watching it glint in the dim firelight. Sighing, she dropped her arms to her sides. "Where am I gonna hide this thing? Evie will NOT be pleased to find it."

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It was Marie's turn to patrol about the camp. Evie had been doing it the past few nights and Marie had offered to go out. So far, she hadn't seen any sign of Ninja or Martello. They had to be somewhere nearby, since no Xenos had attacked them since leaving Iowa. She sighed, shouldering her rifle.

Suddenly, she heard rustling behind her. Whipping around, she brought her gun up to bear. But, she stopped, and slowly lowered the gun.

Standing before her was Martello. He held up his hands, his new gesture of peace. Marie sighed and a small smile lit her face. "Fancy meeting you out here. Wanna go for an evening stroll?"

Martello quirked his head and trilled at her, taking a cautious step forward. Marie waved him over, then turned and walked away. She soon sensed his presence by her side. She smiled again and said nothing. The two walked on, peaceful once more.

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Author's Note: RANDOM ENCOUNTER! A WILD TRIPWIRE APPEARS!

NINJA USES FLEE!

HIS ESCAPE ATTEMPT WAS SUCCESSFUL!


	4. Broken Down, Building Up

Author's Note: Here we are again! I know, two gift fics in one week after all that nothing? Well, we're trying, folks, really we are. Life isn't cooperating recently. BUT! Fear not! Thanksgiving break is next week and there will be more! Thanks for your patience.

Now, here is our gift fic for our winner, QuickStar! And the winning joke, given to her by her friend, was: "Yo daddy is so stupid I told him if he guessed how many dollars are in my pocket I will give him both of them he said three."

Fabulous! On with the show!

Disclaimer: Nothing owned, except what we create. We think you smart people can figure out what we made and what we didn't.

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Broken Down, Building up

Marie huffed, air hissing out of her pursed lips. She glared at the tree trunk a few yards away from her and scowled darkly, glaring at the knife in her hand. Clutching it, she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, and her temper, down.

Opening her eyes, she took her stance, gently bending her knees. Her arm came back and she paused, taking aim. Then, like a whip she snapped her arm forward, sending the blade hurling end over end, straight towards the target she'd made on the tree.

She began to grin, but it faded as the knife lost momentum and began to wobble, before stabbing into the tree trunk only about a foot off the ground, before loosening and falling out of the tiny notch it had made.

Stomping her foot, Marie charged towards the blade. Snatching it up, she almost threw it to the ground again in her fury. But, she knew it wasn't the knife's fault it had missed and been so weak. It was hers. SHE was the weak one.

Holding in a scream of frustrated rage, Marie turned and trudged back to her standing point, to try again. She couldn't make too much of a fuss. It would worry Evie. Marie brushed her hair out of her eyes, sighing. "I couldn't stand to have Evie see me like this…"

She could feel the tears welling in her eyes and she hated it. She couldn't be weak, not in any way. Evie needed her to be the strong one now. Marie pulled her glasses off and rubbed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose to try and keep the tears at bay.

After a minute or so, she placed the spectacles back in their appropriate place and tried again. The breathing, the stance, the pull, the whip. The blade landed higher, but flew past the tree. At least the last one had HIT the tree.

Marie bit her lip and curled her hands into fists, shaking with the struggle to keep the pain in. She looked down at herself. Emaciated, weak, fingers and limbs thick and unwieldy. Those months tied down in captivity, with little exercise, had ruined her. She could barely walk for two hours, much less do all the running, jumping, climbing and fighting that she needed to.

Sniffling loudly, she went forward to try and find her knife. But, she didn't have to go far. Martello walked out of the trees, holding the blade in his hand. The knife looked ridiculously tiny when he held it.

Martello held out the knife to her and she took it, nodding at him, not trusting her voice. It could give away everything. She'd never been good at hiding her emotions. Evie was the queen of that.

Going back, she repeated her practice. Martello watched every throw. And Marie found herself not minding that he saw her now, while she was weak and unable to fight the way she wanted to. He saw her angry and sad and frustrated and pained, but that didn't matter. She knew, somehow, he wasn't judging her for it.

Finally, after another miserable throw, Marie stormed to the tree and plucked the knife up from where it lay. In her pained frustration, she punched the tree, scratching up her knuckles as she hit it over and over and over again.

A large hand gently grasped her wrist, stopping her from beating on the tree further. Marie looked up, a few tears slipping from her eyes. Martello gazed down at her and pulled her away from the tree.

Carefully, he examined her hand. Finding no extreme damage to it, he simply held it in between the two of his. He knelt down, coming to eye level with Marie. He rumbled something at her and she quirked her head.

He seemed to think for a moment, then spoke. "Not you error. You be strong soon. Wait."

Marie nodded, a few more tears dripping from her eyes. No matter what he said, it still felt like it was her fault. She had been weak, and it had cost her, and more importantly Evie, so much. She tried to stop the tears and pull away, to practice more.

Martello didn't agree with this. He held her hand, and then tugged her closer. She struggled a little, but it was more for show than anything. He wrapped a strong arm around her and gave her a gentle squeeze. It was the best hug she had ever had.

He pulled back and stood, patting her head. He stepped away and pointed at the target again. Marie smiled. She hadn't felt so at peace in a long time. Maybe it really wasn't her fault.

She went through her motions once more, and finally it felt right. The knife soared through the air and struck her target. It wasn't dead on, but it was in the ring and it was a deep hit. Walking forward, it actually took a bit of effort to pry the weapon loose.

She turned to Martello and gave him a thumbs up and her best smile.

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Dho'mago'te nodded as finally Dai'za'te landed a blow. He had known about her frustrations for some time, no matter how she tried to hide them. He applauded her efforts to keep her thoughts hidden, like any good warrior, but he could tell that it was eating away at her.

He hadn't meant to step in. She needed to work through her struggles on her own. But it had pained him to see her so weak and angry with herself. All warriors had a lapse at some point. And her enemies had come at her and Faru'qi in the dark, in the night, while they slept. He expected such behavior from low beasts, Kainde Amedha, but he had expected better from Oomans.

He clacked his mandibles softly, thinking, watching Dai'za'te practice, getting better each throw. He did not understand why he took the actions he had. He had intended only to watch her, to be near in case any Kainde Amedha were near.

But seeing her injure herself, purposefully, turning her frustrations on herself, was too much. He did not want to watch her suffer. He had meant to only pull her away until she calmed and could think rationally once more.

But, there was something in her eyes, in her small, pale face. Maybe it was the shine at the corners of her eyes, or the way her oddly shaped mouth trembled. He could not leave her to torture herself.

So, he tried to comfort her. He had told her that the way of a warrior was hard, and that she was lucky her mistake had not cost her life. That he believed in her and her strength, that she would improve and become a better warrior from this.

But, of course she did not understand. So, he did his best to soothe her in her own tongue. It did not seem enough. Something was still eating away at her on the inside, like a Kainde Amedha incubating. She seemed too fragile, too weak, too afraid. Where was the brave warrior he had seen, wildly and purposefully taunting hordes of Kainde Amedha?

He wished for that Dai'za'te again. He knew from his studies that Oomans wrapped arms around each other for comfort. He had seen Dai'za'te and Faru'qi do it many times. Perhaps it would work this time. So, he tried it. And work it did.

Dai'za'te was appearing once more, growing back into the fierce and wild warrior he had admired for so long. She would be different, but different was not bad.

Dho'mago'te started from his reverie when Dai'za'te laid a hand on his arm. He looked down at her white face, her eyes almost glowing amongst the paleness. She bared her teeth at him, patted his arm, spoke to him, then turned back to camp.

He followed closely, moving to walk next to her. Something had left her, he could see it in the way she moved. Seeing her relaxed caused him to relax. He forgot his thoughts and confusion towards the small being next to him and simply reveled in the fact that she would, once again, be herself.


	5. The Guardian of Walmart Appears!

Author's Note: Hello, darlings! Annie and Ally here. Our apologies for the long silence. Life has been terribly hectic and doesn't agree with us that we need time together to write. But, fear not! We have not given up on our writing. The next chapter of Hero should be up within a week or two, and life will be fabulous! In the meantime, here is a gift fic to the splendiferous PocketSeven to tide you all over!

Congrats again on your win, P7! The winning joke was: "Yo Daddy is so ugly, a Xenomorph impaled himself."

Disclaimer: We own nothing, save Marie and Evie and Goners and Patches and Dingo and… You know what, never mind. We're sure you people can figure out what we own and what we don't. Onwards!

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The Guardian of Walmart Appears!

Evie huddled close to Marie and sniffled, curling in as close as she could to her friend. Marie wrapped an arm around her shivering partner. The two trudged along, Ninja and Martello having vanished into the surrounding area, to ward off any potential threats to the weakened girls.

Sighing, Marie checked about them once more. "We really need to find somewhere to get some clothes. There HAS to be something around here. A Cabella's, or a Bass Pro Shop or a farmhouse, or SOMETHING. My feet are killing me."

Evie nodded, trembling slightly. Even though winter was mostly past, it was still plenty cold out and neither of the girls had anything heavier than a pair of jeans and a tshirt. Marie frowned, feeling how cold Evie's hands were getting. Granted, Evie was usually colder than she was, but it still wasn't good.

Marie sighed, trudging onward. "Even I can't be a furnace forever."

Coming out on a hill, Marie gazed about, noticing something in the distance. She squinted against the sun and then let out a whoop of joy. "Evie! Evie, look! Recognize that building?"

Evie looked up, squinting as well.

Marie beamed as Evie took a few steps from her to gaze at the wonderful sight below. Evie whispered in wonder. "It's a WALMART!"

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After their joyous discovery, Marie and Evie found Martello and Ninja as quickly as they could; communicating to them what had been found. Ninja went ahead to scout the area around the Walmart, while Martello stayed close at hand, in case of any attack.

By the time the trio had arrived on the outskirts of the Walmart parking lot, Ninja had taken care of the few Xenomorphs that had been lurking about. He nodded at the others, dragging the last Xeno carcass towards a pile and throwing it on.

The girls gazed in wonder at the white letters before them, and set off towards the doors. Martello and Ninja padded along silently behind the girls, gazing about the large, flat space curiously. This was something new to them.

Martello took a few quick steps and set a large hand on Marie's shoulder, quirking his head. Marie smiled up at him. "This is a place called Walmart. There are bajillions of them all over! Okay, not bajillions, but a lot. And they sell EVERYTHING. Clothes, shoes, food, furniture, medicine, all that! And, they're cheaper than anywhere else. Well, they were. Now, everything is pretty much free or traded. So, guess they can't beat that."

Martello quirked his head, gazing solemnly at the building as they entered through the shattered sliding doors. Marie and Evie moved slowly, cautiously, as Ninja took point and Martello rear guard. No one was sure if there were any Xenos in the monstrous building.

Swiftly, the group made it to the clothing section, where Marie and Evie quickly moved about, finding shirts, sweaters, jeans, and any other outerwear they thought they might need. Piling the clothing up, the women went to the shoe section, digging out boots and tennis shoes that fit them, as well as socks.

As Evie finished tying her new boots on, Marie gazed around in the dim space. "Evie. Don't you think this is odd? We've never found a Walmart this… Full of stuff before. Most of them were ransacked at the beginning of the infection. Why not here?"

Evie contemplated this. "Perhaps there simply aren't many people in this area, and most died before they could get here?"

Marie frowned, leading the way towards the bra and underwear section. "I dunno. Something seems off. Try and get the boys back here, okay? I want them nearby, just in case."

Evie waved over the two warriors who had been curiously investigating the men's wear section. They left their perusals and followed the girls closely. Though the women hadn't noticed, both warriors had seen a creature lurking in the shadows. But, whenever they tried to find it, it vanished. They were ill at ease.

As Marie and Evie advanced towards the bra section, with glee shining in their eyes, the Yautja warriors picked up a rustling noise from nearby, in the sleepwear section.

In an instant, the lingerie department was turned into a battle zone. A tallish woman with wild blond hair and crazed blue eyes came charging out from one of the stands, screaming and firing her gun at the alien warriors.

Marie and Evie dove for cover, bewildered by the woman that had appeared. She wore what must have once been a lovely ball gown, but now it was tattered and torn and stained with unknowable things. Strangest of all was the glittery, plastic tiara perched daintily upon the woman's head. Hanging from said tiara and flapping wildly about, was a technicolored thong with peace symbols all over it.

Martello and Ninja had taken refuge behind one of the counters and were preparing their counterattack when Marie decided that things had gone far enough. She refused to be cowed by a woman with a thong stuck to her head.

Standing and stepping out, she sucked in a deep breath, and bellowed as loud as she could. "HOOOOLD EVERYTHING! FREEZE! CEASE AND DESIST!"

The woman, startled, blinked her big, blue eyes at Marie. Then, the blond shook a finger towards Marie. "Now now, we're inside. We use our INSIDE voices here!"

Marie rolled her eyes, placing her hands on her hips. "Fine. Whatever. Will you PLEASE explain why you ran out of a rack of scanty negligees and began shooting our friends? This isn't an every day occurrence, you understand."

The woman quirked her head. "Friends? Those big ol' ugly things? I thought they were holding you captive and I had to rescue you from them! They beat you up, yes?"

Marie blinked, confused. Then, she looked at the cuts and bruises all over herself. Realization struck. "Ah! These? No, it wasn't from them. It was from… some other guys. Those two? The ugly ones? Which they AREN'T, by the way. Just different. Anyway, those two rescued us."

The woman frowned. "I bet that's just what they TOLD you to say! The alien overlords have come and are using you to lull me into a false sense of security! To take my brain! Well, I won't fall for their tricksy trickery! I am a free woman!"

Marie sighed, then waved Evie over. "Darling, Evie, can you help me talk this woman down? She seems to be, er, struggling mentally."

Evie cautiously peered around a rack, then stood and went to her friend. "What do you expect ME to do?"

Marie shrugged. "You're the one that's good with people. Not me. I shoot people. That doesn't get me on their good side."

Evie pondered on this, while the rifle toting blonde carried on in the background. Martello and Ninja were still a safe distance away, but ready to take out the attacker if the need arose. Then, Evie nodded. "It's just like dealing with you, what you were like before. I'll take care of it."

Marie agreed, then stepped back, towards Martello and Ninja, to show her support for them. Evie went forward and cleared her throat. "Miss?"

Abruptly, the woman turned her gaze to Evie. "Not Miss. Mrs. Mrs. Glinda Hrothbar Steven Hendricks."

Evie nodded. "My apologies, Mrs. Hendricks."

"Call me Glinda! We're going to be fabulous friends and friends call each other by their first names!"

Evie smiled encouragingly. "Yes, we're all friends here, Glinda. My name is Genevieve. The other girl is Marie. And those two? The ones you shot at? The black one is Ninja and the red one is Martello. Ninja and Martello are our friends."

Glinda frowned. "Why?"

Evie continued speaking soothingly. "They've saved us and have been with us for a long time now. We trust them. And if Marie and I are going to be friends with you, then you need to be nice to Martello and Ninja, all right?"

Glinda contemplated this. She waved her rifle in the general direction of the two warriors and Marie. "You're positive they're not the evil alien overlords come to overthrow the government?"

Evie wanted to laugh. Those alien overlords, the Xenos, had already come and the government was long gone. But, instead she smiled gently once more. "Of course they aren't. Marie and I will vouch for them. They will cause no harm to you."

Glinda came closer to Evie and peered deeply into her eyes. Evie felt mildly suffocated by the invasion of her personal space. Then, Glinda smiled brightly, patted Evie on the shoulder, and turned towards Marie. "Fine! You two ladies may keep your faithful pets nearby. I allow them within my domain!"

Marie had to choke back an incredulous laugh. Martello and Ninja? PETS? The thought was mind boggling. Struggling to contain her mirth, Marie smiled. "Thank you so much, Glinda. We appreciate it."

Nodding more to herself than anyone nearby, Glinda waved the group towards her. "Come! I must show you about my domain, my lovely Walmart! I've guarded it a long time, you know, oh yes."

Glinda strolled off, twirling her rifle like a baton. Marie and Evie followed cautiously, worried about the rifle going off in their faces while Glinda twirled it. And, a bit further behind, chattering to each other, were poor Martello and Ninja.

Glinda carried on about every portion of the store, even though both girls knew what could be found in a Walmart. Suddenly, Marie paused, quirking her head. Evie turned back and stood next to her partner, also quirking her head in confusion.

Glinda had strolled on for a little while longer, but turned around, confused as to the lack of responses to her wonderful tour guide speech. Seeing Marie and Evie paused and staring, she skipped back, swishing her skirt about.

"What are you two looking at? We still have the home supplies section, the DIY section, the Outdoor Living section, the Pet section that you might need for your pets, the personal supplies section, and the Pharmacy!"

Marie pointed. "Glinda? Why are the stuffed animals and big dolls wearing granny panties?"

Indeed, this was so. Every doll that was large enough had ridiculously flowered granny panties on, and the dolls were plopped comfortably upon the shelves neatly. Glinda crossed her arms, nodding vigorously. "Well, the Legos and I had a conference, and we decided that those hussies in the next aisle over were showing FAR too much skin. Fur. Whatever. So, I rectified this! Don't they look so charming and wholesome now? I'm sure they'll thank me some day, when they meet a perfect gentleman. You know the type of men scandalous women attract."

Evie had nodded, smiling politely at Glinda's spiel about the over sexualization of teddy bears, while Marie held conference with Martello and Ninja, explaining a few things to them as quickly as she could, before Glinda's attention hopped again.

After a few minutes, Glinda abruptly turned and continued her tour, leaving off the conclusion to her grand speech on the price of tomatoes in Uzbekistan. After another hour or so, the tour was completed, leaving Marie and Evie completely wiped out.

Plopped on a lawn chair, Marie leaned back, groaning. "I'm not in good enough shape to be dragged about by a crazy woman. I really just need to eat and sleep. We can gather supplies in the morning."

Evie was already heading towards the furniture and bedding section. "I'm calling it a night. We can let the boys take care of things for at least one more night."

Marie nodded, standing with a pained groan. She began to follow Evie, knowing that her partner would demand to sleep next to her, when Marie noticed something odd.

Glinda was flailing about in the men's section, and had dragged the two warrior aliens with her. Clothing was flying all about in a colorful flurry. Martello seemed deeply interested, or at least amused, while Ninja seemed to be looking for the quickest escape route.

Marie went over, and Evie, noticing the ruckus, followed close behind. When the two girls stood near the heaps of clothes, they kept in their giggles as best as they could.

Glinda, in her well meaning insanity, had forced upon both Martello and Ninja, hockey jerseys. Martello was wearing one that was white, blue and red, and said "Montreal Canadiens" in bold letters, while Ninja had been shoved into one that was black, gold and white, claiming to belong to the "Boston Bruins".

Evie leaned over to Marie, whispering. "Who are these teams? I've never heard of them."

Marie whispered back. "That's because we never cared about organized sports leagues. Why are you asking me, anyway? I'm sure there's a book on it somewhere."

Evie pondered this, then nodded. Martello seemed to be admiring his new threads, plucking at the strange polyfiber that currently encased his torso. Ninja looked about ready to stab something. More specifically, Glinda.

The blond in question was beaming, looking about at her work. She ran up to Marie and clutched both of Marie's hands in hers. "Don't they just look FABULOUS? I knew these would suit them PERFECTLY. I just ADORE the colors on them! It took awhile to find a shirt that would fit the big, red one properly, especially over that blasted metal, but I think I managed gloriously! Don't you?"

Martello had looked up towards Marie, and he seemed to be seeking her approval. He moved carefully, trying not to tear the fabric. Marie hid a smile behind her hand, then gave him a thumbs up. Martello rumbled appreciatively, before turning back to the racks of clothing.

Marie yawned. "All right, I'm done. I'll see you two, er, three, in the morning. Night."

Evie waved at Glinda, before the two girls headed off to bed, pulling out a futon mattress to curl up on, covered in blankets and surrounded by pillows. As Marie fell asleep with Evie curled against her side, she smiled. Things were turning out all right.

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A yodel broke through Marie's sound slumber, jerking her up, which jostled Evie awake. Rubbing their eyes, the girls peered about the dim store, confused.

Standing, the girls grabbed their weapons, moving cautiously about the store. Then, they spotted Glinda, standing in the Outdoor Living section, posed on a fake rock, yodeling her heart out.

Sighing, Marie turned away. "I'm going back to bed. Wake me up at a more reasonable hour. It's still dark out."

Evie nodded and Marie left, almost running to get back under the warm covers. Evie giggled, knowing how much Marie hated to be woken unexpectedly. She, on the other hand, watched Glinda with great interest. Glinda was crazy, but even crazy people had some sort of logic behind their actions.

Soon enough, the sun began to rise. As soon as pink tinged the sky and the sun became a red dot on the horizon, Glinda stopped yodeling and let out a cheer, dancing about the dead and withered flowers.

Evie decided to make her presence known. "Good morning, Glinda."

Glinda stopped in mid twirl, the folds of her gown falling about her. "Good morning, fairest Evie! I have just summoned the sun from his nightly sojourn! If I don't yodel every morning, he doesn't come up! Wouldn't it be terribly awful if I failed in my duties to make the sun rise?"

Evie nodded, feeling sad that the woman was even worse off than Marie had been. At least Marie knew that, no matter what, the sun would rise every day. That there would be an end to the night. Glinda didn't even have that comfort.

But, Glinda didn't seem to mind. She skipped about, tiara bobbing merrily on her head. "Come, come my friend! Let us go wake the lay about, and dine upon the finest of breakfast foods!"

Evie quirked an eye brow. "I wouldn't suggest waking up Marie. I'll get her up later. What's for breakfast?"

Glinda struck a pose, limbs akimbo. "INSTANT MASHED POTATOES!"

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A few days passed. Marie and Evie slept as much as they felt they needed to, ate plenty to regain their strength, and worked out on the exercise equipment in the sports area. They'd managed to deal with only showering in the sinks in the restrooms, since it was better than what they were used to. And it was nice to have plenty of shampoo and conditioner to use.

Marie was sprawled out on a lawn lounge chair, reading a book on "How to Be A Better You", and Evie was enjoying herself coloring in a coloring book, when the peace of the afternoon was shattered by a scream and gunfire.

The girls immediately threw themselves to the floor, crawling behind some shelves, snagging up their weapons at the same time. Marie gazed at Evie. "What the hell happened?"

Evie shrugged, the same wide eyed look on her face. "I've no idea. It sounded like it came from the aisles towards the center of the store."

Marie nodded and the two began a slow, careful trek to find the source of the commotion. Finally, they came upon Glinda, who was clutching a picture frame, sobbing. Evie hurried forward, wanting to soothe the wailing blonde. "Glinda! Hey, hey, what's wrong?"

Glinda didn't look up, just blew her nose on the hem of her dress, and kept sniveling miserably. Evie continued soothing the woman while Marie checked the area, trying to find any potential enemies. There was no one, save for a suspiciously familiar blur slipping away into a different aisle.

Evie had finally managed to calm Glinda down enough to get the older woman talking. "Now, Glinda, why don't you tell me what happened? Why are you so upset?"

Glinda hugged the shattered picture frame to her breast. "His name was Marcos. He grew up in San Fernando Valley. He died young, slipped on a puddle and snapped his neck. He had his picture taken just before he died. He lived on in this picture."

Evie peered down as Glinda allowed her a glimpse of a handsome and well dressed young man smiling up out of the frame. The picture grandly announced that the frame was an 8x10 and from the Ethan Allen collection. Evie wondered if Glinda knew that "Marcos" was just a model.

Glinda carried on. "This frame kept his soul safe, until I could find a way to get him to move on to the Afterlife. Because if the picture is damaged, Marcos would be lost to the Abyss forever! But, but that black FIEND was fondling his frame! Then cruelly threw him to the ground when I demanded to know what he was doing with Marcos!"

Tears welled in Glinda's eyes once more, spilling over her lashes. "And now, Marcos is GONE! I'll never forgive that monster! And to think, I helped him pick out a SHIRT!"

Marie had been listening in on the conversation and sighed. She helped Evie get Glinda to her feet and to the woman's bed, which consisted of a pile of mens XXL sweatpants and sweatshirts. Glinda collapsed into the pile, wailing. But, within moments, she was soundly asleep, snoring wildly.

Marie cringed. "Was I this bad? If so, I'm sorry that you had to put up with me like that for so long. Have I told you lately how much I love you? And that you're a saint?"

Evie smiled. "You weren't usually this bad. You had your moments. But, not like this usually."

Marie groaned. "You're too nice to me. So, what do you want to bet that she just startled Ninja and he dropped it on accident? Not like he could know her, uh, thoughts on the picture frame models."

Evie shrugged. "Whatever the case, we should make sure he keeps away from her for the rest of the time we're here."

Marie nodded and the two strolled off to go back to their prior activities, peace restored to the Walmart once more.

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It had been two weeks since their arrival at the Walmart. Glinda had ALMOST forgotten about Ninja's accident with the picture frame. And Marie and Evie decided it was about time to go. They had been walking to and from Goners every few days, taking supplies to their hidden vehicle.

Evie groaned as they walked back from their most recent trip. "It would have been much more convenient if we had just driven the damn car here. This IS a parking lot."

Marie smiled. "You know we've been over this, whiny butt. It would have drawn too much attention."

Evie sighed. "I know, I know. I just miss the old days, when things were more, well, convenient."

Marie nodded, but didn't respond, lost in her thoughts. The girls entered and were greeted by Glinda playing on one of the old cash registers at a check out. She looked up at the girls and beamed. "Welcome back! I missed you!"

Evie and Marie waved. Evie gave Marie a meaningful look and Marie nodded, though she was clearly not thrilled. Evie went to register while Marie hung back, taking a sudden interest in the broken tiled floor.

"Glinda." Evie said gently. The woman looked up, blinking innocently, fussing with the small golden cross hanging from her neck.

"What is it, Evie? Did you want some more mashed potatoes? I think I saved some from this morning."

Evie shook her head. "No, Glinda. I just had a question for you. See, Marie and I need to leave soon. It's too dangerous to stay in one place for us. And, even though we love being here with you, we're going to have to leave."

Glinda pouted, a dark frown on her face. "It's perfectly safe here! No one comes here, not even the meany bugs! We can stay here forever and be best friends and have a good time!"

Evie shook her head. "No, Glinda. We can't stay in here. But, would you like to come with us instead?"

Glinda blinked. "You mean, leave Walmart?"

Evie nodded, silent.

Glinda gazed about, confused and lost. "But, but I'm the Guardian of Walmart! I can't just LEAVE. Why don't you just stay and be guardians with me? We can always use more guards!"

Evie shook her head gently. "We can't, Glinda. But, we want you to come with us. You'll be safer than all by yourself."

Glinda began backing away, shaking her head. Evie stepped towards her. "Glinda…"

"Stop! Stopitstopitstopit! Why? Why would you ever want to leave? Haven't I been nice? Aren't I good? If you leave, you're DIE! Like my Steven died! You can't GO!"

Evie felt awful for causing the woman such suffering. "We HAVE to. Please, try to understand."

"I don't wanna! If you wanna go, then… Then FINE! I didn't like you, anyway! And, and we're not friends anymore, either! Friends don't leave friends! I HATE you! IhateyouIhateyouIhateyou! And I hate Steven, too! For leaving me! All alone… Always alone… Even before he died…."

Glinda crumpled to the ground, rocking herself gently. Evie approached, but Glinda snarled at her and ran off sobbing into the store. Evie sighed, tears welling in her eyes.

Marie patted her friend's shoulder. "We'll give it another day or two. Maybe she'll change her mind. We'll work it out."

Evie nodded, completely unbelieving of Marie's positive words.

#)%^*#$)^#*$^)#$^#$_^#*^)(#$^)*#$(^*#$%^)(*#^)#($^)*#$^)%(^_#$(&$_)(*%^&#$%*&^#$)))(*&)#*^$)(%*(#$%*^#)$(&#$)*$)

They had to leave. Marie knew it. Evie knew it. Martello and Ninja knew it. But Glinda had tried to pretend that nothing was wrong. Everything was packed and Marie was waiting by the doors, shifting from foot to foot. Martello towered next to her, lacking his jersey. He'd made Marie pack it into Goners, so it wouldn't get damaged in a fight.

Ninja had mostly remained cloaked, to avoid Glinda. His jersey was also tucked away in the car, which he was in charge of guarding currently. Evie stood by the checkout line, where Glinda carried on, oblivious to their coming separation.

Evie sighed. "Glinda. We're going now. Please. Please come with us."

Glinda shook her head. "Go away. Traitor. Don't you ever come back here."

Evie looked down. "…All right. We'll miss you, Glinda. Please, take care of yourself. Good bye."

With that, Evie turned and walked to Marie. Marie reached out, grabbing Evie's hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. She hated seeing Evie so downtrodden.

They walked away, leaving Glinda and her world behind. The made it to the trees and looked back at the blue roofed building, before moving on.

They got further and further away, when an eerily familiar noise resounded through the woods. It was the scream of a Xenomorph. And it was coming from behind them. Marie and Evie's faces both showed utter horror as they pulled out their weapons and turned to run back, calling to Martello for back up.

Martello swiftly called Ninja and then began running, quickly catching up to the two girls. The three charged through the trees, Ninja catching up to them and taking the lead. They hit the hill and slid down sprinting across the broken pavement of the parking lot.

Entering the store, they saw that there weren't too many of the Xenomorphs. Fifteen at best. But, Glinda clearly couldn't hold them off with her lone rifle. She had taken refuge on top of a shelf and was beating on the head of one of the monsters as it clambered towards her.

Ninja hurled himself forward, snagging the beast by its tail and flinging it away into an encroaching group of them. Snarling, he entered into battle, blades and blood flying.

Martello was handling another group, his war hammer darting through the air with ease. Marie and Evie ran to the shelf, looking up. Marie took guard as Evie called out. "GLINDA! QUICK! Get down here NOW! You're not safe up there!"

Glinda peered over the edge and a smile crossed her face at seeing Evie below her. "I'll be right down! I just need to grab my Boomstick!"

Evie blinked. "Boomstick?"

Glinda nodded, vanishing from view once more. "Yes! Boomstick!"

Evie paced, waiting for Glinda. The blonde popped over the side of the top shelf and swung her leg over, beginning to lower herself to climb down.

Then, a scream pierced the air. A pointed tail came darting out, plunging into its intended target. Glinda jerked, surprised. The tail had shot through her upper stomach and out her back. She jerked as the tail pulled out of her and she dropped from the top shelf.

Time seemed to move in slow motion. Martello shot off a blast from his cannon, blowing the creature away and through the wall. Evie and Marie ran forward, screaming, trying to catch Glinda before she hit the floor, shielding her broken and bleeding body from the debris flying through the air.

The girls grabbed Glinda, pulling her away from the main battle. The woman had lost her tiara in the fall and was clutching her rifle desperately, breathing thick and heavy. Evie and Marie made her as comfortable as they could, grabbing up nearby clothing to pillow her from the floor.

Both girls knew that Glinda wasn't going to live. Xeno tails left too big a hole to be fixed. They knelt over her, trying not to cry. Glinda opened her eyes, a slight glaze over their blue brilliance. She smiled. "I guess… my good luck charm didn't… didn't work this time, huh?"

Evie sniffled. "What charm?"

Gently, Glinda lifted a hand to her throat, caressing the golden cross. "My… My Steven gave this to me… Before we were married. I know… I know that he loved me. Even if no one else believed it, I married him for love… He told me… He told me to think of him whenever I wore this. That it would bring me luck."

Evie nodded, tears pooling in her eyes. Glinda smiled and patted the younger girl's cheek. "Now now. Don't be sad. I get to go see Steven now, and tell him how much I missed him. Thank you, so much, both of you… For being my friends… I haven't had friends… in such a long time…"

Marie smiled, brushing Glinda's hair from her face. "No. Thank you. You've been the greatest of friend to us. We'll never forget you."

Glinda fumbled with the chain around her neck, before unclasping it and handing the small, golden trinket to Evie. "Take care of it, won't you? It'll be YOUR good luck charm now… Not that you need it. You have… so much already."

Glinda turned her quickly darkening gaze to Marie. "You. You don't need luck. You need firepower. Take Boomstick. There's still some… ammo left behind the gun counter…"

Coughing up blood, Glinda panted, pained. Evie and Marie each held one of her hands. Dazedly, her head lolled to the side, eyes closing. Taking one last, deep breath, she mumbled. "And tell those boys… They weren't so bad…"

With that, Glinda sighed and relaxed, blood pooling about her. Martello and Ninja came up to them awhile later, where Evie and Marie still sat, holding Glinda's cool hands. Marie wiped her tears away and stood. "We need to get moving."

Evie nodded, standing. As she trudged away, Marie spoke to Martello softly. He quirked his head, then nodded. Facing Glinda's body, he took careful aim and fired, setting the corpse alight. Swiftly, her body deteriorated, until only ash was left.

Marie patted his arm, then turned and followed Evie. The warrior aliens followed, stopping to salute the fallen Warrior of Walmart.

The group vanished into the growing shadows, leaving the dark and hollow store far behind them.


	6. Twice Removed

Author's Note: Here is a gift one shot for one of our winners, Dreamerboy84! This is going to be kind of sort of a prequel to Hero is a Cheap Label, introducing and fleshing out characters that will show up in the Minivan Escapades and the Epic Story of Epic Awesomeness.

And so, part of our winner's requirements/suggestions was to have his three characters and our two meet at a clan gathering. We can work with this, though it won't be completely canon to the universe we've created. BUT! This is still a prequel and will reveal valuable character information. So, read on, brave readers! Read on!

!^$()(_)+*^&%^$%#%%&*^(_&(*($%#%$!$#%^&*%*)($#$%$%$^*&(*)($%!#%$^*(_()^&#%$%$!$%$^&*)(_)&^$%^#%^*&%*^)_()%$#^#$^*&()_)+&^%#^%##$^&*)_()(%^$#%#^&()

I Am Your Father's Brother's Nephew's Cousin's Former Roommate! Twice Removed.

Dho'mago'te strode along, chattering happily to Tvrtko. "Oh, these gatherings are just the greatest! I can't WAIT for you to meet my clan! They're just so exciting!"

Tvrtko nodded, not really believing his partner. He'd heard many things about Dho'mago'te's clan, and 'exciting' was a NICE way of putting it. Much more common terms were 'Insane', 'near useless', and 'easily distracted'.

The two entered the gathering hall, looking curiously around. This would be the first gathering that they would be allowed to attend, since all the previous meetings had been before they were blooded hunters.

All of a sudden, there was the sound of many feet running in their direction. Both warriors looked up and over where a small herd of very large and red warriors was charging their way. Tvrtko's eyes widened and he shuffled back a little bit as Dho'mago'te was mobbed by what Tvrtko could only assume were his relatives.

Dho'mago'te was swamped by the group, all of them chattering at once. "Dho'mago'te! How have you been? I just finished the newest prototype of my time travel machine!"

"Look, look, cousin! Isn't this gadget wonderful? When you plug it into your helmet, it turns everything purple and sparkly! I got the idea from someone who came back with a video of some _Oomans_ participating in a mating dance! He called the place they met a "deeska"!"

Tvrtko listened in simultaneous awe and confusion. He heard some of what they'd been working on and couldn't begin to fathom why anyone would bother spending time on it. Why couldn't they do something useful for once, like waterproof the damn cloakers?

He contemplated mentioning it to the group now that they were here, but Dho'mago'te ruined his plans by talking. "Hey! Everyone! This is my hunting partner, Tvrtko! We were blooded together! Say hello, Tvrtko!"

Tvrtko froze as every single one of Dho'mago'te's relatives turned to stare at him intensely. He put on a brave face, but internally he was halfway tempted to cloak and make a well timed escape. But, before he could even think of what to do next, he found himself in the midst of their unusual brand of enthusiasm.

"Goodness! He's so SHORT! And look at that skin color! Can I poke him? For SCIENCE?"

As the relatives battled over who got to "poke" him first, Tvrtko was looking for a way out. He didn't know what they were talking about mostly, but he didn't think he wanted to be involved with most, if not all, of it.

Attempting to come to the rescue, Dho'mago'te barreled his way through the mob. "No, no! You can't poke Tvrtko! He has this habit of stabbing things that annoy him, and I think your poking would be annoying. He's already stabbed three people since we got here!"

One particularly nosy clan member got in Tvrtko's face, holding up a piece of paper with a strange, black blob on it. Tvrtko blinked at it while the male explained. "Look! I got this from watching some _Oomans_! Depending on what you tell me the blob is, I can find out what's wrong with you! Look! What do you SEE?"

Tvrtko's only response was to shove his blades through the piece of paper and shred the thing. As the dark warrior fled the scene, he could hear the one yelling in the background. "My blob! It's RUINED!"

!#$%^&*()(*&^%$##$%^&*()(*&^%#$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*(*()_+_)(*&()_+_)(*&*&^%$##$%$##$%^&*()_)*&^%^&*)(_)(*&^%&*()(*#$%^&*(*&^%^&*()_)(*&()_)(*&*()_+_)(*&^%$#

Tvrtko stuck to the shadows, creeping along, peering about carefully before moving on. Dho'mago'te's clan had split into roving packs, intent on finding him and trying to "poke" him. As he was looking behind him, he bumped into someone. Looking, Tvrtko blinked, wondering what Dho'mago'te was doing here.

That thought was gone in an instant. This warrior was distinctly the wrong color. As the dark yellow male peered down at him, Tvrtko heard a horrible sound.

"Look! There he is! Forward, my brethren!"

Tvrtko took off, not looking back as the group of scientists was abruptly distracted by the sizeable warrior he had just run into.

Behind him, he heard the scientists exclaiming over the young behemoth, wondering if this one was as big or bigger than Dho'mago'te. Looking back, Tvrtko watched as the group dragged the stranger off.

As he wheeled about another corner, Tvrtko muttered to himself darkly. "They'll never take me."

!#!&%*$&_*&%^%#$#&*%&^)_&*&%^%#$#^%*&^(*)_()(*_*^%$##%^#$(&^_&_*^&%^$%##$#*^%&^_)&(&%$^%#$#%^%*^&+(_*^&^%$*%#$&*%&^%&*_&+(*^&^$%$^#*$^_

Strolling along, Dho'mago'te wondered where Tvrtko could have gone off to. His partner was very clever, especially with hiding spots. If Tvrtko didn't want to be found, he wouldn't.

Shrugging off this worry, Dho'mago'te continued his meandering through the ship. As he went into a room to check the corners for his friend, he bumped into and knocked over someone much smaller than him.

Peering down, Dho'mago'te blinked, swearing he saw Tvrtko. But, as the stranger stood, the red warrior realized that the one he'd bumped into was the wrong color to be his partner.

Suddenly, he felt a tap on his arm. Looking over, he found Tvrtko, giving him a patented glare of irritation. Tvrtko punched Dho'mago'te in the arm. "Call off your family, you fool."

Dho'mago'te shrugged. "No can do. When they get like this, they're pretty much unstoppable, until they get what they want. It's really quite fun!"

The pale yellow stranger looked back and forth between Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko before speaking. "Hey. Have either of you seen someone about that red guy's height? I've been looking for him."

Tvrtko simply looked away. Catching this, Dho'mago'te gasped. "Tvrtko! Have you seen that guy? You only do that when you're trying to hide something!"

Before the conversation could go any farther, a female strode into the room from another doorway, stopping to stare down at them all haughtily. She was flanked by three, slightly smaller, females and a male that was even shorter than Tvrtko.

The stranger that Dho'mago'te had accidentally knocked over suddenly took on a different persona. He strolled forward, eyeing the large female up and down. But, before he could make any further moves, she promptly backhanded him into a nearby wall.

Turning away from the crumpled male, she rolled her eyes, snorting. "Young bloods. Think they were the first hunters to ever kill a beast."

Tvrtko crossed his arms, stepping forward a bit as the largest female stepped towards him. She nodded to him and spoke. "Well, here you are. Finally. I have been looking for my only worthwhile son."

Tvrtko nodded back as Dho'mago'te looked on in awe. Tvrtko nodded in turn to each of the other three females. "Hello, sisters."

As the sisters brushed him off, Tvrtko stepped forward a bit, looking at the small male in the back. "Hello, Shahzad."

The male who looked almost identical to Tvrtko looked up, a weak glare on his face. Before anything further could go on, a strange warrior came on the scene, yelling at Shahzad. "You! What are you doing in here? Get back to the servant quarters!"

Shahzad growled, fists clenching. Tvrtko and his mother stepped in, though. Glaring down at the interloper, she snarled. "He is here serving ME, male. What he does is none of your concern. Now go."

This second stranger bowed to her, then more deeply to the smaller females. Addressing the nearest sister, he spoke. "Honored females, I was simply wishing to abide by-"

He was abruptly cut off when Tvrtko's mother backhanded him away, sending him flying into the first stranger, who had just managed to stand up. The two flew backwards into the wall as the head female stormed off, all of her children, save Tvrtko, following in her wake.

Silence reigned for a few moments, then Dho'mago'te leaned over to whisper to Tvrtko. "Hey, Tvrtko?"

"Yes, Dho'mago'te?"

"I don't mean to sound rude or anything, but I don't think I like your mom very much."

"She is an honored female. A very powerful warrior."

The two winced as there was a thwack and the thud of someone else hitting a wall. Tvrtko shook hi s head. "You'd be best to stay out of her way."

Dho'mago'te nodded, then turned his attention to the two tangled off on the side. Reaching down, he plucked up both of the poor fools who had been sent flying across the room and got them on their feet again.

But, before anyone could recover, an ominous sound filled the air.

"Look, brethren! It is one of our own! And the one we seek! Forward!"

It only took a split second for Tvrtko and Dho'mago'te to decide what to do about the three encroaching teams of Dho'mago'te's relatives. Staring intently down at the two warriors he still held, Dho'mago'te bowed his head. "I'm sorry. But, this is for the greater good."

The pale yellow one's eyes widened, but was launched across the room as a distraction, along with the other male. Quickly, Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko fled the scene out the opposite door, escaping the mobs of red warriors for the moment.

!#$%^&*()_(*&^%$##$%^&*()_)(*&^%$#$%^&*()_+_)##$%^&*()_+)(*&^%$%^&*()_+)(*&^%$#$%^&*()_)(*&^%$%^&*()_+)(*&^%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#$##$%^&^%$#%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#$%^&*

Tvrtko was not sulking. Warriors did not sulk. But, he was certainly quite disgruntled at this turn of events. Glaring over at Dho'mago'te Tvrtko huffed. "I TOLD you not to go into that room! Now we're stuck!"

Dho'mago'te shrugged, watching as his clan measured everything possible on the stranger about his size, the one who said his name was Ta'veta. "Well, I didn't think they would have had time to set up the cage on the ceiling."

"Why do you even HAVE something like that?"

"One of my relatives saw some _Oomans_ use it once and they thought it was hilarious. It's been a staple form of entertainment for a very long time now."

Their conversation was interrupted by shouting. "We can't find this Ta'veta in our records anywhere!"

"But, he MUST be related!"

"Where can we stick him now?"

"I think, according to our measurements, Dho'mago'te is just the TEEEEENY tiniest bit taller!"

"I'll take him as my adopted fifth cousin!"

"Excellent! I'll add it to the list!"

As the conversation died down a bit, Tvrtko sighed. "I HATE these gatherings…"

Another surge of attention roared to life as the other stranger, L'hiem, revealed his inner passions. "THIS IS AMAZING! It looks JUST like the recording of the _Ooman_ mating ritual at the deeska!"

L'hiem was promptly mobbed. "How did you KNOW?"

"Oh, we HAVE to keep this one!"

"Brilliant, brilliant!"

"Who wants this one?"

"Oh! Oh! I do! I have JUST the role for him! He can be my adopted great-great nephew on my mother's side!"

"Perfect! He's going on the list!"

Dho'mago'te leaned over to Tvrtko. "Look, I think they're distracted enough by the new additions to the clan that we can make our escape, especially if we're stealthy enough. You in?"

Tvrtko nodded and the two got into their crouches, ready to flee for the door to the lab. It was at this point in time when a particularly strange looking male wandered in.

He was short and a strange tan color. He began speaking, looking about. "Have any of you seen my partners? I would swear that I heard them this way."

All of Dho'mago'te's clan froze as looks of horror came over L'hiem and Ta'veta faces. Only the stranger seemed unaware of the attention he had garnered. Murmurs went through the crowd.

"Is he?"

"Could he be?"

"I didn't think it was possible…"

"What kind of fluke?"

"A half…?"

All murmuring ceased. Then, as one, Dho'mago'te's clan charged forward, howling their token battle cry.

"FOR SCIENCE!"

L'hiem and Ta'veta screamed out to their friend. "RUN, AK'SHARA!"

!#%^*&)(*_(&)^%$&#^&*%(^)_()(*&^%$#%*^()_*+(*^%^$%#$#*^(*(#$%*#&$_#*&%!*#$_%&_$*%&!)($%*&^!_%&$*^(&!($!*^$&_!#&*_$^!)%&!_$*^_!#$*($&&&_^)(&^)#(

Glaw, Torkel and Lovro all leaned against the wall, sighing. Lovro groaned, shifting in his seat. "I can't stand it, boys. Just can't. The servant class? Why, I once took down a _Kainde Amedha_ queen one handed! By myself! How can they DO this to me?"

Glaw and Torkel both shook their heads and Glaw growled. "Oh, you did not. You been re-telling that old tale for years now. I was there! I helped you kill the damned thing!"

Torkel shifted his leg, careful of his knee. "Still a crying shame. They must be running out of servants to be taking good, noble, honorable warriors and putting them on such duties. Why, Glaw and I may be heading off to do work for them ourselves!"

Lovro nodded, then started as his empty cup was bumped away, rolling across the floor. Groaning, he stood, shuffling after it. He crouched, reaching for the container, when someone flew by him, startling him to falling backwards onto his back.

As the older warrior sputtered, trying to stand up again, a rumbling sound filled the hallway. Lovro only had time to widen his eyes before a swarm of gargantuan red warriors thundered down the hallway, swamping him.

Glaw and Torkel looked on in mixed horror and confusion. When the dust settled, Lovro had been knocked over to the opposite wall and was groaning loudly.

Glaw snorted, going back to his drink. "Kids these days. Never paying any attention. Gonna get themselves killed off with all that recklessness."

Torkel winced, shifting his leg again. "With all that thudding about they're doing, the vibrations into the ship are messing with my knee. Can't they just walk?"

Lovro's only addition to the conversation was a pained growl. "My SPLEEN!"

!%$^*&)(**^^$($!#_%&!#$*!&(!+$(&!_$*^&!$*_(^_#%&(!_%!+&)(%!*_$^_#*^+#$%*^#$+_&(*#$^(*&#$%&#*$&!)(^#$)*&(!%^#$*%&_%&+^(*#+#&$&#$^(*&#&*!^&&!^)#

End Author's Note: What does that make ME? Absolutely nothing. Do any of you know where the title is from, WITHOUT googling it? O.o

As for Tvrtko's mom, she once arm wrestled an Alien Queen, and won. She then proceeded to rip off the Alien Queen's arm and beat the thing to death. Then, using the Queen's crown crest, she surfed her way to safety over the blood of all the aliens she had killed to get there in the first place. Srsly. She is so hardcore, you don't even know. We wish we could do more with her. Maybe. In the future.

As for our winner, Dreamerboy84. Your characters are now distantly related to ours. We're not sure how. But, you're welcome!

Thank you for reading this ridiculousness. We hope you are pleased.


	7. Child's Play

Author's Note: Here is the gift fic for our winner, PocketSevens! Once again, we've been supplied with an awesome character to play around with. She is awesome, and fun, and it will be a party and a half. Roll film!

!#$%^&*(*&^%$##$%^&^%$#$%^&*%^$#!#%$^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%$##$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()(*&^%$#$%^&*()_(*&^%$##$%^&*()*&^%$##$%^&*()(*

Child's Play

Aniko walked along, eyes sharp. She'd been with this caravan for awhile and so far she'd succeeded in keeping them all alive. They were almost to their destination, but that was no reason to get careless. Military training and surviving the years of the Xenomorphs had taught her to be the most cautious when your goal was in sight. That's when things were most likely to go horribly wrong.

All of a sudden, Aniko stopped. In a flash, the caravan was set upon by a group of Xenomorphs. Aniko immediately pulled her gun and blasted one of the aliens away, leaving it twitching and writhing nearby. Pulling her other gun, she scanned the other defenders, seeing if they were holding the line of defense.

The other six were doing well. More Xenos were falling and the caravan kept moving pretty quickly, avoiding any issues with Xeno blood. Two more charged her and she aimed her shots carefully. There had been a few attacks previously and they were getting dangerously low on ammo. Aniko made a mental note to trade for some more when they reached their destination.

With the defenders training and calm, the Xenos were finished quickly. Aniko picked off one final alien as it tried to flee, blasting a hole in its torso and launching it into a nearby tree, which began to hiss and sizzle and creak alarmingly.

As Aniko tried to hurry the caravan up just a bit to avoid the potentially falling tree, she paused. She had thought she'd heard something from the woods nearby. Listening carefully, she cautiously inched towards the woods, trying to zone out the excess noise coming from the caravan.

Her eyes snapped open and she charged into the woods, yelling over her shoulder. "Kyle! Move up and hold my post! Keep them moving! And be extra careful until I get back!"

Kyle ran up as she darted off, calling after her. "Wait! Where are you going? What happened?"

He barely caught her reply.

"I heard a child scream!"

$#%*&#$^_*_!&%*(#$&^!^&!$*%&!(#*^&^()*#%(^*#($%^#*&^*$#)$(%&!#)$(^+#($^*!+#($^*!)&%^_!&%!*^&$+_#(*^_#()*^_#(&$!_&$_!_

Sprinting through the trees, Aniko barely kept up with the charging monster ahead of her. Sometimes she lost sight of it, but she kept on her path and would find it again. Finally, she tore into a clearing, where the Xeno was advancing upon its hapless prey.

The little girl couldn't have been more than 11. She was a wisp of a girl, but speedy, if she'd been able to keep away from a Xeno for so long. But, from the way the little red head was clutching her ankle, she'd tripped and twisted it, giving the Xeno a chance to catch up.

Aniko marched forward, readying her guns. The child wouldn't die. Not while Aniko was still breathing. She aimed her guns and pulled the triggers. The shots were enough to distract the Xeno, but it moved quickly enough to avoid getting hit anywhere too vital.

She hit the triggers again, running forward to put herself between the monster and the child. Then, an ominous click. Cursing, she dropped her smaller gun and smacked the Xenomorph in the face with the other one as it lunged. The beast veered off, shaking its head a bit, before turning and hissing at Aniko.

Dropping into a stance, Aniko raised her arms defensively, watching the beast pacing before her. It lunged again and she twisted, slamming her heel at the point where the jaws opened, effectively dislocating the Xenos lower jaw. The monster screamed, the smaller mouth lunging out, but flopping around rather pathetically.

Hissing and spitting drool everywhere, the Xeno became even more cautious, circling around Aniko and the girl. But, Aniko always kept herself between the beast and the girl. After waiting, it darted its tail at her, trying to skewer her on it. She knew she had to get this fight over quickly. Who knew when more would come? She couldn't take on any more of the things bare handed.

She threw herself to the side, snatching up her gun again. The Xeno followed her, clearly intent on getting some revenge for the shattered jaw. She grinned and, with extra flourish from her martial arts training, slammed the weapon into the monsters jaw again. With a sickening crunch, the jaw effectively separated from the skull, blood spraying wildly.

Before her gun melted, she continued bashing at the beasts head, knocking out teeth, the inner mouth, shattering bone. Panting, she backed up, dropping the gun before the oozing blood and melted metal hit her hands.

The Xeno swayed, trying to step forward, before stumbling and falling, face beaten beyond almost all recognition. Aniko grabbed the girl, picking her up and holding her bridal style. Carefully inching back, Aniko and the girl watched the final death throes of the Xeno. When Aniko was certain it was dead, she turned and ran, trying not to jostle the girl's leg very much.

Sweating, Aniko cursed the fact that the caravan was probably a far ways off and she had to run the whole way carrying the kid. AND her guns were gone, so she'd probably have to trade for some new ones, or use some loaners. Which she HATED doing. She sent up a small prayer, hoping that nothing else would happen to find her on her trek back to the main group.

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D'bravko jogged along, mildly distracted. He needed to finish up this scouting mission and return to the females. Who knew what they were plotting while he was gone? It was imperative that he remain in their trust. Faru'qi and Dai'za'te were counting on him.

He slowed. He was nearing an _Ooman_ caravan. Caution was called for. As he slipped through, he caught some of the rumblings of the encampment. From what he could pick up, one of their own had accomplished some amazing feat of daring do. He paused, listening more carefully, calling upon the _Ooman_ he had managed to pick up from his time with the others. A few more details emerged. The warrior had been a female, and she had managed to defeat one of the _Kainde Amedha_ single handedly, without weapons!

This bore investigating. Stalking through the camp, he prowled about for the one the _Oomans_ called Ah'na'kho.

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"For the last time, I did NOT beat the damn thing bare handed! If I did, the blood would have melted any body part of mine I was attacking with! I beat the stupid monster with my gun! Just cus it's out of bullets, doesn't make it any less effective as a weapon. Now will you PLEASE stop spreading that stupid rumor?"

The other guards eyed her skeptically. Kyle sniffed, crossing his arms. "Well, that's not what WE heard. But, if you say so…"

Aniko sighed. "Yes, I say so. Believe what you want, but I'm telling the truth. Anyway, I need to go use the ladies room before we move on again."

She turned, trotting off behind a small stand of trees. After relieving herself, Aniko suited back up and stretched with a groan. The long nights were getting to her. Suddenly, she paused. Something wasn't right. Turning, she scanned the area around her, slowly reaching for her pistol. She couldn't tell WHAT was wrong, just that it WAS.

She caught the barest hint of a shimmer on the edges of her vision. Whipping around, she gasped as she came face to face with what she could only call a giant. The THING stood before her, gazing down at her impassively from behind a strange metal mask. She set it in her sights and waited. It hadn't attacked her. Yet.

It held up both hands, showing it was unarmed. Then, it tapped at a strange computer device on its wrist. A strange, female voice came from it. It was clearly human, though. The recording resounded in the awkward silence.

"I challenge you to a children's card game!"

Aniko blinked. She didn't drop her guard, but she was definitely confused. "What are you even SAYING?"

The thing scratched at its head, then tapped some more buttons. A different female voice spoke again. "Resistance is futile! All your base shall belong to US!"

Aniko took a cautionary step back. "Hey, I don't want a fight or anything, you… You. You just turn round and get away."

Unfortunately, her angry tone seemed to confirm something for the monster before her. He crouched into a familiar battle stance, then charged her. Cursing, she holstered her gun. She couldn't shoot an unarmed opponent, especially a fellow martial artist. She dodged out of the way of its first attack, dancing backwards to better assess the situation.

It… HE wheeled, setting his stance again. He was clearly no amateur. Indeed, he moved with all the ability of a martial master. He was attacking her, but Aniko couldn't help but appreciate the skill level of her opponent.

He darted forward again, a flurry of fists. She dodged most, but one broke through and she barely managed to block it. The hit sent her flying and her arms ached. What kind of monster had that much strength? Getting up, she grew even more wary. This was going to be a dangerous fight. She needed to launch a counter attack, or she was doomed.

With a shout, she ran forward, ducking under a well aimed punch, and landing a flurry of blows to the male's midsection. It was similar to punching a tire. But, the beast let out a grunt and dodged backwards, so her attacks had done something. She pressed her advantage, putting him on the run. Her fists and feet flew, blocked or dodged by her opponent. She waited for a hole in his guard.

He gave it to her. With another sharp shout, she sent her hand darting forward, spear handed instead of the usual punch, and stabbed for where she believed his solar plexus was. He gasped and grunted, stumbling back.

Before she could land a final drop kick to his midsection, he rolled backwards, recovering well into a defensive stance. She waited, watching. Maybe her blows had convinced him to leave.

Aniko was startled from her thoughts as the device on his wrist began beeping. She stared at it as he answered it, speaking in a strange tongue. It sounded more like the sounds an insect would make, rather than a person. But, given his size and coloration, this was clearly NOT a person. Not a human person, anyway.

Nodding to himself, the male turned to her, then bowed. She blinked, but her years of training had her returning the gesture instantly. In the blink of an eye, the being was gone. Simply vanished. She thought she saw a strange shimmer darting away through the trees, but she couldn't be certain.

Looking around, she propped her hands on her hips. "Well. That was an interesting trip to the bathroom. I think I'll just keep this to myself."

With that, she turned and got back to the caravan, that was getting ready to move on once more, pushing the thoughts of the strange new alien to the back of her mind. Her first priority now was the safety of her group. That was all that mattered.

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D'bravko approached the command ship, mentally grumbling to himself. He was sick of these mindless missions. He knew the females were sending him on them simply to test his loyalty and skill, but still. It was almost offensive.

He stopped before entering, calming himself down. He couldn't let on about his thoughts. He NEEDED the females to trust him. It was how he could be useful to Dho'mago'te and Tvrtko, and his _Ooman_ allies.

Thinking on _Oomans_, he remembered the female he'd come across a few days ago. The bruising on his torso had come and gone quickly, but he was deeply impressed. Unlike Dai'za'te and Faru'qi, she was clearly highly trained. The other females were amazing warriors, yes. But, in the end, the others had come to their skill through mere survival. However, the one he had found… She was a TRUE warrior. Clearly someone had trained her from a young age, just as his kind were trained.

For a moment, he pondered on how fun it would be to battle her again. With an angry huff, he shook his head. He had to avoid any and all contact with _Oomans_ that he could potentially come to admire as fellow warriors. To do so would be his downfall. Straightening, he marched into the ship, forcing the thoughts of the short, black haired female from his mind. His mission came first.

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End Author's Note: According to our winner, PocketSevens, Aniko is "the only human to have killed a Xeno barehanded." Well, Mr. Presumptuous, we have someone who would like to speak with you.

Patches (holding a dirty hanky to his empty eye socket, snuffling pathetically): She is NOT! DINGO did it TOO! And he did it COOLER! Cus he ripped off the Xeno's tail and stabbed it to death! With its own tail! Cus he was that MANLY. Why doesn't anybody appreciate Dingo's MANLINESS? He wasn't THAT bad! Well, maybe he was… But that's not important!

Predtards: See, P7? See what you have done? You've gone and hurt Patches' feelings. And he's about to become an important character, so you shouldn't go about upsetting him like that. Don't worry, we still like you. But, Patches is right. If you go back and read Chapter 6 of Hero is a Cheap Label, at the end, then you'll see the truth.

Also, a side note that we are pleased with. We realized we were becoming like Star Trek and the Red Shirts, except we were killing off all the gingers. So, we made this red head live! We want to save the gingers! So, yay personal triumphs! We saved a red head!


End file.
